Letter from Charlotte Cushman to Emma Crow, Oct 26, 1860
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Library of Congress, Charlotte Cushman Papers, Manuscript Division, Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.Creator
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[198] New York. Oct 26th 1860
Dearest & best beloved of my heart!
The days have gone like maniacs. & in
their course have taken my resolution
my pleasures away from me. I have
purposed & wanted. oh so much. to
write to you. my chiefest pleasure in
absence from you - is, first, in thinking
of you, then in writing to you. You know,
you believe this. your own heart tells
you how dearly I love you. & how much
I would wish to be with you even in
this miserable & unsatisfactory way,
any communion is better than none.
& I find comfort even in this way for
I love you my precious one. just as
dearly as you would have me. think of
you just ar fondly & admiringly. want
You just as much as you want me
The dear you, of my life is to think how
near you are to me. how much nearer
you will be to me. ever long. all mine.
[198 reverse] ever since I have been in New York, I
have been so driven in one way and
another. That I have never felt myself
at liberty to take leisure time for writing
as my heart dictates to you. you darling
we retured to a house- which had to be
put in +++ +++. to be habitable
tell this fell upon aunt Emma: you
know how helpful I am +++.
& I feel I can say this to you without
the chance of being thought egotestical
but when she is in the case. & has any
ing to do. of course I am more help-
ful than usual. consequently whenever
anything comes to her to do. I have to
do it for her. Mrs Stebbins The same
so I have had a world of occupation.
another thing. This last week my
rehearsals have begun again- so I have
been much occupied with them
all my mornings being spent at the
Theatre. my afternoons have been the
only time for my letters & of this I am
[199] obliged to take an hour or two for sleep
or rest- for indeed my brain is too busy
to let me sleep.- Then all my evenings
at the play - that I have been unable
to write to you. I have had business
letters to write of such importance
they
that so have taiken all the brains
try to
I had left. I comfort you by saying
that I have not written to dear Ned
for a week & I try to comfort him
by telling him I have not written to
you for 12 long weary days. How Strange
woman nature is that we should
try to satisfy one - with the losses of
another. God bless my own sweet love
she is dear & good & +++ & loving which
I write to her or not. & takes for granted
that my love for her continues ever as strong
& beautiful as it ever was from the first
Darling did we not love each other
very quickly. & has it not grown very easily
This it shall ever do my
& pacefully
[199 reverse] precious one. until in "to the down". -
I had such a nice letter from Ned
darling that I enclosed it for your father
to read and then when the Fields +++
home to Boston - they wrote me back a
very sweet letter. & the part of it +++
referred to Ned. I also cut out & send
to your father. for I want him to see +++
other people think of my own chicken
as well as the character of his own +++
when he writes to me. Have I done something[?]
my precious? I like your father to see
how much I trust him & how much
affectionate confidence exists between +++
& myself! But if you think I was wrong
I shall be sorry. Your father wrote
such a nice note about Ned that
pleased me & I sent that to Ned so
I try to put every body on a good +++
towards each other. - Darling. I am
getting very tired of my work. & all the
business I have to attend to. If I had
only my professional labours. It would
not be much. but I have so much
[200] to do. to try to take care of & get possession
of that which I have already earned and
thought would be sufficient for all my
needs. but which I am, & have been so
shamefully wronged out of by unworthy
people. The letters I have to write would
trouble your dear heart to see & Heaven
knows whether they will result in
anything. For the first time do I feel to
be in the hands of an honest friend
-in your good father - I am working now
to put as much money into his hands
to invest for me as I possibly can. so
that I may have enough to live[?] upon
comfortably & happily in a style which
justifys my many years of hard work
entitles me to. & then I must leave
all the rest– & if any thing comes of
it in after time[?] - it will be clear gain
but if not. I must sigh & look upon
it as the lost! - Why should I +++
you with all this. only to tell you
my own sweet one that you are not
neglected & that in my not writing
[200 reverse] you are not +++ thought of. God be
with you my sweet. I will write again
soon. +++ +++. you will see +++
the many letters I write to your dearest
father that I must be busy. He will
be able to tell you often how I am +++
health. & that will be a comfort
to you. I wrote your father about
seeing[?] "Hattie, the selfish" off. so I need
not recapitulate that. - I love you +++
own. I have so many things to write
to you about & no time to do it. I
am so called off that I dont know
what I have written. God bless you
love love me as I love you & want +++
kiss me down deep into your +++
fondly devoted passionably
Your own
Ladie
